Match Report vs Clytha
17 July 2022 @ Llanarth(Skipper Richies, report Steveo)
The Clytha game at Llanarth is one we’ve not had the
pleasure of for a while. It may be a 50min drive for some
of us (- me) but the rewards of the rural location and the
open, spacious ground, with good facilities, along with the
lovely nearby Clytha pub, makes it a worthwhile trip.
We were expecting the hottest day of the year so far and
it was a little scorchio but with a gentle breeze and a little
cloud cover now and then it was really quite pleasant ( esp.
when skip directed me to field on the boundary under the trees)
Our oppo on the day were a little short of players so the
start was somewhat delayed, but eventually the inevitable
lost toss and booing of Skip Luvvers ensued (we were fielding
in the unrelenting sun). Skip Richie was also in attendance
as a gallant replacement for some fucker who couldn’t
Team on the day was
Loveridge Gareth (c)
Llanarth were a family affair with a dad/mum/son/daughter
combo making up a good chunk of the team ( they remained one
short even after some latecomers). A good mix of age and ability
meant we hoped for a decent game.
It should be noted that The Stephens boys had misread the
invite and entered the field dressed as… well, who really
knows? Possibly the foreign Legion …
Aka Phil Silvers and Peter Butterworth https://images.app.goo.gl/oV9dZukWgefUCgyj8
or Stan and Olly https://images.app.goo.gl/Y15XNg7n6FnSE16P9
Or maybe a slightly dubious fancy dress party Sheikh https://i.ytimg.com/vi/hKXyKUEGYRc/maxresdefault.jpg
Either way, they looked COOL – which is all that matters
The Llanarth opener was quite proficient and he made a great
start. Lots of 4’s (8) and maximums (2) as well as a
few well run singles let him amass 54 ( of their 63) before,
thankfully, Skip Luvvers took control and bowled him, in the
10th I think (Should mention we were playing 30 overs due
to the weather).
But I get ahead of myself; our opening pair of Day & Owens
did ‘okay’ with Goff ( or ‘Dave’ as
the book states!) getting a wicket maiden in his second -
bowling the handy looking Holley son for 0 ( he looked handy
in his youth and general demeanour, despite any evidence to
back this up, clearly). Goff/Dave ceded 28 runs off his 4.
Rob bowled well and ended his spell on a maiden.
By this stage we had Luvvers and ‘The Real Dave’
bowling. Skip gave himself just a couple of strident overs,
partly as the No. 4 was ‘Jayne the mum Holley’
playing her first proper game ( -and he didn’t want
her to take him to town? Ed.). She played really well, despite
a hesitant start (her first run was cheered and she seemed
really pleased), and she went on to carry her bat for 30,
defying all that could be thrown at her. At one stage Jayne
partnered her daughter and then her husband and hopefully
is enjoying bragging rights in the family for some time to
Dave did some damage ( to his reputation mainly, but more
of that anon) but did get the wicket of another handy player
( 22 runs inc 3x4’s). Goff Day will also claim some
part in this wicket as, in a most unlikely turn of events,
he had been seen whispering in the ear of young Jimmy ‘look
no’ Hands in his newly (self appointed) role as emotional
well-being coach to the casz. GuruGoff, or ‘the Handswhisperer’
had been offering the advice of his many years experience
…. We couldn’t quite make it out, but ‘
use soft hands’ ‘let it come’ ‘be
gentle’ ‘caress the balls’ ‘just breathe
and relax and let it in’ were all that could be made
out as the breeze carried his sex grooming – Sorry,
wicket keeping! - words across the field.
Jimmy, looking somewhat pale and shaken, stood transfixed,
Guru’s words still ringing in his ears, as now ‘The
Real Dave’ approached the wicket from the other end
and chucked up some dross which the batter inexplicably failed
to dispatch to cow: in the next few milliseconds we all heard
the ‘faintest of tickles’ ( another one of Goff’s
pearls? -Ed. ) and contemplated a quick bet on the drop, but
to everyone’s stunned amazement, the still somewhat
traumatised James suddenly found an unusual hard object in
his gloved hands.
‘Well fuck me’ said Goff ( probably) and all around
celebrated this strange and bewildering event. A caught behind!
No-one, not even Medium James, saw that coming! (urrrrgh…
And this wasn’t the end of The Real Dave’s adventure.
He next faced up to a tiny ten year old lad ( I think it was
a lad, puberty was some years off). Determined Dave sent up
his best, eyeing an easy wicket, but the lad was having none
of it and dispatched DT with utter contempt. Dave had another
few goes before the lad got bored and swatted him for a four.
Well, somewhat crestfallen, Deflated Dave half-heartedly chucked
up a pie which barely reached the boy and the ingénue,
reaching for it, managed only to pop it up slowly in the air
for the grotesque large mitts of bowler DT to snaffle. Couldn’t
have been easier. And yet. And yet. Oh reader and yet. This
wasn’t enough for Dangerous Dave. The lad had to be
made to pay for that 4. Only a crushing would suffice.
“Teach you to mess with me” said the red-faced
killer of ambition and dreams.
In the horrified silence, as we all looked on, aghast, the
child squared his shoulders in the direction of Dave and gave
him a belligerent eye, as if to say ‘ what was that,
ya pudgy c*#t’?
( or at least, that’s one of the many things we speculated
on him saying to Dave). He may have said ‘pardon?’
Or ‘mister please don’t be so mean’ but
we, and Dave, took it to be a fair challenge. Dave backed
off, covering his horrendous sledging with a guilty high-pitched
giggle ‘ he knows I was only joking…’
It was indeed, a moment to ponder.
Anyhoo, some decent bowling followed with the Stephen’s
brothers both opening with maidens ( more in simpatico with
their bowling than their umpiring…). Paul, the shorter,
fatter brother, gave only a miserly 6 runs off his three overs,
great spell: whilst Mark, the other, shorter fatter brother,
lost only 7 runs and managed to snaffle a wicket … most
extraordinarily - yes dear readers for it is true- CAUGHT
BEHIND by the newly invented James, transformed utterly by
the Goffwhisperer into an absolute catching machine!
It is to be said, the dolly that the Holley daughter ( maybe
12yrs old at most) top edged, high into the sky directly above
Jim’s head, could never have been dropped, even by a
one-armed mongoose; this didn’t prevent your author
from charging in from mid-wicket, straining every fibre to
reach the ball before Jim did. Alas i couldn’t quite
get there in time to snatch it or push Jim over. Well taken
Patrick bowled tidy enough and Tim threw up some of his famous
pies, one of which tempted batter Ed Sheeran, a young man
of some talent but no luck whatsoever ( more of which anon)
. He clipped the ball straight into the hands of the bewildered
fatter shorter brother Mark, who failed to get out of the
way or let go - catch taken!
There followed the usual hiatus as Mark (tfsb) showed us all
the faint seam line that indented the malleable flesh of his
Finally, it was SteveO’s turn to chuck the pie and
this was done tidily enough, with a few close misses of the
off peg, but a couple of wayward leg side wanderers as well,
going for 14 off 3, partly due to the utterly inept fielding
by many of the by now roasted casual potatoes ( …more
of which anon).
Dad Holley batted at the end and got out on 21 - not as many
as he looked like he might get - run out off the last ball.
Llanarth ended on 148 ( with a couple of batters not getting
to the middle) with Jayne carrying her bat.
...............O M W Rns
Goff..........3 -1 -1 -28
Rob...........3 -1 -0 -14
Luvvers......2 -0 -1 - 14
Dave......... 4 -0 -2 -22
Paddy.........3 -0 -0 -24
Shakes.......4 -1 -1 -7
Tim............4 -0 -1 - 15
Pablo..........3 -0 - 0 -6
Steve O'......3 -0 -0 -14
Tea was a very mixed bag- I’d brought water and a pain
au chocolat. Luckily, Canteen Commandant Luvvers had ‘ordered’
( in both senses of the word) himself not only a full breakfast
but a lunch, and the chefs of the Queens Army did him proud,
and he in turn gifted his largesse on yours truly, who partook
of a sandwich or two of the military feast. Ta Luvvers
Right. A reasonable target off 30 overs. Our openers: Capn
correct ‘n slow Rob was No. 2 to our new ‘wild
man unleashed’ that was the rejuvenated Jimbo. Swinging
away with all the freedom of a 70’s hippy on ‘shrooms,
still high on the intoxicating words of the guru, jimmy raced
to 21 off about 24 ( book unclear) inc 2 carefree 4’s
and a big six. Eventually caught. 1 down.
Capn slow stood firm for 50 odd deliveries and amassed 38.
Meanwhile Skipper Luvvers faced about 38 and had amassed 52,
( 7x4’s and a 6) in a terrific innings (you are the
best Luvvers!) when, at the drinks break, he -very unselfishly
-decided to retire so that No. 4 bat Richie could have a go
( I wasn’t suggesting anything like that, nor was I
offering to field for the opposition, as I sat padded up at
No. 5 with a few overs to go and not much target left. Honest).
Sadly Rob got caught soon after ( 3 down) and a beaming
SteveO joined his bezzie mate ( and team selector) Richie
who had been holding the fort and defending /leaving/ missing
well with the odd run now and then.
This indomitable pair had the heavy task of bringing home
the victory; once he’d got his eye in ( missed the first
few) yours truly started swishing about, with a couple of
fours, plus some 2’s and well run singles in the blistering
heat, ensuring that Richie and Old Steve saw off the game
in heroic style, with yours truly making the winning runs
with the second of his stylish fours. VICTORY ( over the 10
player team of boys, girls, a woman and a couple of lads).
*Special mention for young Ed Sheeran ( Zac) who fielded
like a demon across a whole side of the pitch, seemingly alone,
as his bowlers did their best to give him a hernia or heart
attack or both.
Bishbashbosh ave’it Loveridge(c) 52
JustherefortheHolliday Rich 7
WinningRuns O'Reilly 14
GuruGoff Dnb (DBS?)
After such a ‘heated’ game we had some shower
fun with GuruGoff ( sex offender? Ed.) who was generous as
ever with the shampoo – very generous given his lack
of working follicles. We then supported the club house with
a quick one before hardy members hit the Clytha arms. Usual
frivolities, enhanced by the eventual appearance of platefuls
of roast potatoes which we drenched in salt and stuffed down
( any news of the club defibrillator Goffy? Ed. )