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Match Report vs Clytha 16July 2017 @ Llanarth (Skipper Darren and report Dave)

Match report v Clytha or THE SIGN OF 4

Sherlock Holmes took his bottle from the corner of the mantel-piece and his hypodermic syringe from its neat morocco case. With his long, white, nervous fingers he adjusted the delicate needle, and rolled back his left shirt-cuff. For some little time his eyes rested thoughtfully upon the sinewy forearm and wrist all dotted and scarred with innumerable puncture-marks. He was about to thrust the sharp point home, press down the tiny piston, and sink back into the velvet-lined arm-chair with a long sigh of satisfaction, when Mrs Husdson knocked on his door.

“I said that I was not to be disturbed”, “I’m sorry Mr ‘olmes” she said, “but there is a gentlemen here who insists that he sees you, something about a curse!”

“Very well, let him in”

The man entered the room, tripped and stumbled into the table, where Holmes had left his syringe, sending it flying into the open grate of the fire, where it smashed and it’s contents soaked into the ash of the spent fire. “You clumsy twat!” excreted Holmes “that was an A-bomb, it cost me a fucking fortune”. “I can only apologise” said the man “that’s kind of why I have come to see you, these things keep happening to me”

“I’m a consulting detective not a Doctor, perhaps you should see my associate Dr Watson” said Holmes. “No it’s definitely you I need to speak with, Darren is the name by the way, Darren Britton.” Darren offered his hand to Holmes, in the process upsetting a vase full of flowers onto the Persian rug in front of the fire. “Jesus wept!” said Holmes “you’re a walking, fucking disaster, just sit in that chair and don’t move.”

Darren sat, and Holmes studied him. “So, you’re a photographer and you play cricket for the Cardiff Casuals then.” “Fuck me! You’re as good as they say you are! How could you possibly know that?” exclaimed Darren. “Elementary” said Holmes “you’re in full whites and that’s a professional camera around you’re neck.” “oh yes, forgot that” said Darren, feeling rather foolish. “So, tell me your story, and make it quick, I’ve sent Mrs Hudson out for some more smack, and you’ve got until she returns”

“Very well” said Darren. “It all started a few weeks ago, whenever I played cricket the team was losing, then strange injuries started occurring, three players required hospitalization on 3 games, and I was getting the blame,. The team started calling me Jonah and “the jinx”. “No shit” said Sherlock “Please continue.”

“Well, it was at the next match that things started to get a bit strange. I was skippering the team for our game against Clytha at Llanarth, we weren’t sure that the game was going to be on as there had been some inclement weather the previous day. Anyway, the opposition eventually turned up, it was decided that they would bat first as there had been some kind of Accident along one of the roads to the ground, I hadn’t seen anything myself, it must have happened just after I went through that area!

Rob opened the bowling up the slope with Paul coming down, both bowled well without taking wickets Rob (4-0-21-0) was replaced by DT, who also bowled well, beating the bat on numerous occasions but no wickets (6-2-18-0). This is where the curse struck again, this time it was the other team who felt it though, their opening bat retired hurt with a pulled hammy (35). Paul (6-0-46-0) was replaced by Tim (5-0-37-1), and, after the other opener retired on reaching his 50 (53), he took the 1st wicket caught by Tesh for 11. Dave was replaced by Pete who set about taking their lower order to the cleaners (5-1-17-4). Ritchie replaced Tim and bowled well without taking a wicket (3-0-12-0), he did however run out th 6th batsmen with a direct hit as the batsman inexplicably made his ground but jumped in the air without running his bat in. Will took the last over (1-0-7-0) getting a run out off the last ball of the innings. Clytha finished on 158-8”

“Is there a point to this” said Holmes “I should be off my tits by now!” “just getting to it” said Darren. “I wish you bloody would” Holmes sighed

Darren continued “Tesh and I opened the batting, we made a steady start getting 30 off 6. Tesh was the first out, caught for 14 in the 7th over (30-1). Will replaced Tesh and the steady pace continued, I was out next, again caught for 14 in the 10th (43-2). Steve, who had stepped in from the Cavaliers, was next in, perishing for 4, again caught, in the 13th (56-3). Rich was in next, and out again in the 15th, caught for 2 (70-4). Rob joined Will, until will retired after reaching his 50 (51). This brought Pete to the crease. During our innings the curse struck again and two of the oppos fielders limped off to be replaced by various Butlers or possibly Valets! Pete played some extravagant shots, some of which actually involved the ball as well, but it was Rob who perished next for a well crafted 27, once again caught. Paul joined Pete but in the following over was out LBW for 18 which included 3 lusty blows to the boundary, at this point scores were tied and one run was required for victory of 8 balls. Tim enters the fray and the over is played out without score. 6 balls now remaining 1 run required. The field are all in, 1st ball – dot 2nd ball – smashed for 4, game over casuals win”

“Sound like a fairly mediocre game of cricket to me” said Holmes “Ah!” said Darren, “just you listen to this. We showered and changed and retired to the Clytha Arms public house, where a slap up meal was promised. On arrival several members of our team noticed that they had monies missing from their pocket books, some had all their notes taken, others had £20 notes replaced by £10. I felt we had to bring this to the attention of the opposition, whereupon, they informed me that they too had had fallen victim to this felonious act, also having larger notes replaced by smaller. All in all we estimate £140 - £180 was taken”

Holmes sat forward in his chair “so who had access to players portmanteau’s during the game.” “that’s the mystery, there were members of the opposition outside the changing room at all times and they saw no one enter the changing rooms” said Darren. “Was there a rear entrance to the pavilion” Sherlock asked. “No” said Darren. “A mystery indeed” pondered Sherlock, pacing the room, puffing on his Cherrywood pipe. He remained silent for some minutes then spoke “ This is a puzzle indeed, it make take me some days to conclude this case, is there anything else that you can tell me that you may have omitted?” He asked

“Um! Let me think” said Darren “I don’t think so. Wait! I did go to the loo before we started and opened the back window coz it was a bit of a stinker, and I didn’t shut it before we went out to field. Do you think that may be important?”

Holmes stopped in his tracks “OH, FUCK OFF” he exclaimed “you time wasting fuckwit” Shocked, Darren fled from the room, not noticing Mrs Hudson returning with Holmes stash, he knocked her ass over tit down the stairs, three vials rolled into the street through the still open front door, right under the wheels of a passing Hansom cab. A plaintive cry was heard from the room above “No! that was the good stuff, you fucking Jonah, where’s Watson’ gun?”



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