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What for? My grampy’s picking me up outside spa in ten minutes

Nickname: Don't need to - my mum GAVE me one!
Batsman? Bowler? Keeper? None of the above? Something else : I’ll have a McChicken sandwidge meal please – but no chicken or salad…. Just baps!
Batting style? impressionism
General cricketing style? …… M.I.A. – The Swiss Knife Crisis 1789 – Army arsenal generously described as ‘inadequate’
Previous Teams played for?

Me and my brother played some gypo’s once, at pitch and toss for a dead rat

How long have you been (a) casual? The results are inconclusive, although it’s looking more like (a+) herpes!
Number of games played for the Casuals?

I dun call Smitt a mong – that was fun! I played ‘steal Dan’s fags and blame it on Tesh’ – that was fun too. I played I ‘hide my salad dressing in Shakeys bag’ which wasn’t fun cause he caught me, but then he chastised my buttox with an implement he had in a secret compartment of his council briefcase ……………… and that WAS fun!!!!!!!!!!!

What you bring to the Casuals team? Certainly not pies and chips; they dun got lots a those bitches!!!
Who is your Doppleganger? Um, it’s a tiny muscle that opens and closes your japseye when necessary
Hobbies Small stumpy fella’s with hairy toes (fuck eye, this IQ test is a piece a piss!)
Favourite food?

Minge bap

Favourite music?

Chekov/Bakersdozen (I am quite a culture vulture you know!)

Favourite film?


Other hobbies?

Danny Devito, Wayne Sleep, and I do believe Sandy Toxvig

What was your last DVD / CD purchase?

A blue movie off Paul – what a con! Lot’s of pink, some black and white colours, and quite a substantial amount of throbbing purple, but no fucking blue in sight?!

What 3 people would you most like to invite to a dinner party?:

My mum, my dad, and my dad’s half-brother – lets get this DNA test sorted out once and for all!!!!

Ideal Woman? lifeless

…. All alone in the moonlight, we remember the old gays, like foxy and his rent boy steeeeeeeeeevooooooooooooh

Age you started playing the glorious game?

Cricket?! What the fucks cricket got to do with anything? It’s just crown green bowl with weapons

Best performance?

Puck – dec86 – Grange Memorial Hall!!

Favourite game played?

Seal clubbing

Favourite venue played …ever? The rose bowl, with Vera Botticelli. Boy what a pair a lungs!
Cricketer you most admire and why?


Casual cricketer you most admire and why?

THEY’RE ALL SHIT, LIKE CRICKET – I want a blue pill mummy……….

Funniest moment on the Casuals field?

Running up behind Dan and secretly inseminating him

Favourite tour moment?

Hypnotising a king cobra, with the express intention of instructing it to run up behind Dan and inseminate him

Favourite Tea had as a casual? (Home or Away)


I like playing for the casuals because………. they’re broad minded and flexible
I hate playing for the casuals because………… I AM NOT A BUMBOY!!!!
If I didn’t play so much cricket I’d be………. A moth lover
A poem by Billy (with Supervision by a sensible adult)

There was a young lady called Gilly
Who bore a young tyke named Billy.
He grew up to be strong,
As his arms were so long
Unlike the size of his cock
Which was no longer than a lemming’s epitaph. But he did have a very special power which was ‘plughole pubic hair basket weaving’
He currently lives in staines with his nanna and bampy…..
…… who died in 1993.

The end


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