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Master Class - The Fitzy Guide to Spin Bowling - The Tosser


It is essential that every slow bowler possesses in his armoury a quicker ball, if only to give the impression that he’s not just a spin bowler because he’s ‘shit at everything else’. The tosser facilitates to bamboozle the eager batsman, exactly at the point at which he’s summarised that as far a being a competent bowler goes, you are very much a ‘raasclat fool’. His mouth watering, and pupils dilating, he trots flippantly down the wicket like a new born foal, eager to investigate a curious rustling in the long grass ahead. Little does he know that a particularly butch, and pissed off viper lays in wait for his arrival.

The grip is very much the same as the glider. Only instead of flicking your thumb as if to discard the pre-rolled booger, just imagine your are stationary at a set of traffic lights. Just about to discard the booger when a very fine young love thing pulls up next to you in a Citroen 2cv. Obviously a foreign bird with a touch of fiery class, you anticipate her disapproval at you flicking the booger away, and after a lightening adjustment, you simply allow the booger to rest between your thumb and for finger, until the pretty lady has bolted, or until it simply melts into a goo. This is the grip for the tosser.

Holding on tight, you count 45 steps back from the crease. Nb. The run up is the most essential part of the tosser. For why? Well, I’ll explain. If you walk around 45 steps back from the wicket you are bound to end up in the pavilion and at/or near the bar! Note; when utilising the glider remember to wear the whites with pockets, and replace stones with 10 pound notes. It may be necessary to carry more counters depending on how many tossers you intend bowling in a spell. I would recommend you limit it to six and below, anything over and above that figure is likely to cause complete disinterest in the game of cricket, and a pig rind compulsion.

The run up and release. I would recommend a taxi. A full pint of warm scrumpy tends to have a mind of its own immediately after consumption, therefore I would suggest you arrive at the point of delivery as safely as possible. Once in the crease, keeping a strait arm and face, use the same delivery technique as the glider with one very important addition. A flick of the wrist in a downward motion. Depending on the strength of wrist you can gain up to 30% extra speed in your delivery. The currently world record speed for the tosser is 367 mph, set by WPG Grace-Stevens, in the ashes test of 1986. For extra tips on wrist work see Grace-Stevens website;

NB - there is no connection between those in the images and the title of this Master Class. (I still want to play Skipper)




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