Indoor cricket - Your informal guide
to the nuances and etiquette of Cricket’s bastard
offspring...
Just as in ‘normal’ cricket you have your
three major disciplines:
Added to these you have an extra element to contend
with – tactics.
Now I know this is anathema to casual members but you
do have to think about what you are doing. Generally
the tactics involve working to a ‘plan’.
First the ’plan’ is laid out by the skipper
who is then laughed at.
The ‘plan’ is then discussed by the team
until it is distilled down to:
A. twat the ball and run like fuck (if batting first)
or,
B. bowl straight and catch everything (if fielding first)
These complex tactics have been field tested and have
evolved over the years to become the finely honed plans
set out above.
Any ‘new plan’ implemented during the course
of the game by the skipper is to be treated with extreme
suspicion, a blank look, and selective hearing loss.
Remember;
THERE IS NO PLAN C!
Batting
Forget all you know about batting (that was easy wasn’t
it!) Indoors you have to adopt a totally kamikaze attitude
with no regard for personal safety. Although on first
viewing it can seem chaotic there are a few techniques
you can adopt to make the experience less painful.
1/ There is no getting your eye in.
At no time during your innings should you not look to
score runs. For those who have one, defensive prods
should be played with an open face into the corners
or into gaps in the field (which can be difficult when
there are 6 fielders in the space of a phonebox! ) but
DON’T PANIC! You will be backed-up by your batting
partner. (see chapter on backing-up )
2/ Adopt the “BA charge”
Don’t get bored waiting for the slow, loopy shite
ball to get to you. Charge the bowler so you are already
halfway down the track on contact and so are only a
few steps from safety and another 3 runs in the book!
3/ The “miss”
If you miss the ball, run.
4/ Backing-up.
Ahhh, the heart and soul of indoor cricket! If your
not halfway down the pitch by the time your partner
is hitting (or missing) the ball you are not backing-up.
The non-striking charge to the other end should be accompanied
by a scream of YES! (never wait or no ) or by the “ninja
stealth technique” of whispering in the batsman’s
ear when you get to the other end. Either way the only
way to back-up is with total commitment and your box
and pads hanging round your ankles!
REMEMBER!
Quality backing - up is an art that few master, but
if you can the rewards are endless my child !!!!!
After several years watching indoor cricket, I can state
with certainty that nothing you have witnessed will
prepare you for the sight of a fully loaded casual run
22 yards like a demented rhino screaming like a banshee,
belly in perpetual motion backing – up a batsmen
who looks like a rabbit caught in your headlights.
Bowling
There are two ways to bowl indoors.
1/ Slow – loopy shit ( Think Fitzy)
Completely bamboozles the oppo who haven’t mastered
the “BA charge”, takes loads of wickets
and is a bitch to put away.
Highly recommended.
2/ Sraight.
Yes that old chestnut – bowl straight. This can
be sub – divided into 2 sections.
A. Good and straight (think winky ) Or….
B. Straightish. (think everyone else )
Either way the one thing you don’t want are
WIDES. These are the cancer of indoor cricket are not
allowed. Ever.
There is a no ball line half-way down to stop you bowling
short. This is to be avoided unless the oppo is a twat
in which case slipping in the odd “quicker”
ball is acceptable. A good mixture of deliveries can
also upset the batsmen but not as much as a well placed
“Gough”.
But there’s still no substitute for the 90mph
in-swinging Yorker!
Fielding.
In a word, dangerous.
You are never more than 25 yards away from the batsmen
and frequently less than 5.
It really pays to concentrate! A degree in geometry
and an understanding of the dynamics of netting are
useful as are the reactions of a mongoose, but don’t
let that put you off. Adopting either the Dave Thomas
“eyes closed and praying” or the Steveo
“cock” stance will greatly improve your
chances of survival and may even result in you stopping
the ball once or twice a game!
Shies at the stumps are to be encouraged but the punishment
for overthrows is harsh so underarm is better than firing
in a “Lewis”.
REMEMBER! STAY ALERT OR DIE!
The Oppo.
As a footnote, I thought a small section on the opposition
is needed.
As this is a public forum, I will not use the names
of individuals or teams.
We play a mixed bunch of people from “proper”
cricket teams to “football” teams and in
my experience they are all to be treated with suspicion.
There are no hard and fast rules as to how to deal with
the attitudes of some of the competition but I find
the worse the behaviour of the oppo the more correct
and polite one should become. This disarms the competing
team and gets you into the umpires good books (which
in turn, gets you lbw’s and close run-outs in
your favour). Ahem.
The other alternative is to use your well placed “Gough”
to maximum effect, stand back and watch the fireworks!
In conclusion, indoor cricket is a simple game played
by simple people who can’t go through winter with
out playing. But, with a hint of technique and a modicum
of luck you too could have a nice shiny trophy like
mine!!!!
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